Friendships can be one of the most important relationships in a person’s life because they are your chosen family and trusted confidants. Most importantly, they are the ones who share in your ideas, experiences or similar personality traits. which make them perfect to traverse life’s roller coaster journey…. unless they are toxic.

Healthy Friendships

It is proven that life can be better with a companion by your side and a healthy friendship makes that possible whether you are single or coupled. However, before you can identify a toxic relationship, you have to know some qualities that make a healthy friendship. Such as:

• Shared values
• Shared good memories
• Open communication and honesty
• Shows compassion, care and concern
• Supportive and encouraging through listening and doing
• Comfort expressing vulnerability
• Able to just have fun or a good laugh
• Able to disagree without disrespect
• Provide constructive feedback
• Psychological benefits: Reduce stress, depression and anxiety symptoms, increase a feeling of belonging, create good/happy moments and memories

Toxic Relationships

Have you ever had that gut feeling that something is wrong when you think about a particular friend? This is your psychosomatic warning bell which most people ignore. A toxic friendship is in stark contrast to a healthy friendship and here are some things look for:

• Feeling dread or drain at the thought of the person
• Self-Absorbed: The person speaks about self and infrequently allows you to share
• Omission: The person hides basic information and you know very little about him/her
• Ignoring or dismissing your boundaries/wishes
• Lies
• Ghosting and unavailable when you need support
• Says deprecating comments then states, ‘I am just joking’ and ‘Can you take a joke’ when you protest
• Gaslighting (creating self-doubt) and blaming (deflecting responsibility)
• Egg Shell – fears of the person’s anger, emotional overreaction or payback
• Feels like you are always giving or making the effort
• Psychological Impact: Create or increase stress, anxiety and depression symptoms. Create distrust and pessimism of others, codependency, low self-esteem/self-image

Friendship Relationship Change

Friendships are an evolving relationship in which some can be lifelong or for a season. In addition, the dynamics of the friend relationships are not the same with everyone. Here are a few reasons why friendships change:

• People change and you no longer share the same values or lifestyle
• Life demands create a drift
• Long distance friendships can be difficult to maintain
• The relationship was only meant for a season/situation and it ran its course
• The relationship could not recover from a significant conflict

It Takes Two

It takes two to make a thing go right or wrong. You are not a passive participant in your friendship so, the relationship’s health meter is also dependent on your contributions or lack thereof:

• A healthy friendship requires invested partners who are willing to grow and change with each other
• Enablers – you may not be the toxic friend, but the relationship would not continue without your allowance
• Fear – be honest! You know that you are in a toxic friendship but the fear of loss is greater than the ‘devil you know’
• Hope – the enables hold on to the hope that one random day the person will change and all the grief you experienced will be worth it
• Set boundaries – when a line is crossed, speak up. Silence breathes resentment
• Trust is earned over time so, take your time when forming a new friendship

What’s Next

Friendship self-assessment – Friendships are meant to be positive and caring relationships. When was the last time you did a self-assessment of your friendships and honestly answer:

Are you in a healthy or toxic friendship?

What makes it healthy or toxic?

Are you the toxic friend?

Is it time to say goodbye, apologize, or do better?