Mother’s Day is meant to beam a spotlight on those women who are toiling in the trenches as unsung caregivers to their children. Whether they attain motherhood through birth, adoption or as aunties, the role of a mother is a never easy, 24/7, task of love and stress. Mother’s Day is meant to highlight those brave women.

The Dark Side of Motherhood

Child Protective Services (CPS), law enforcement officers and mental health providers are all too familiar with some women who were given the gift of motherhood but failed spectacularly. This catastrophic collapse of maternal parenting leaves deep scars on the children who would rather forget they have a mother. The sad irony is some of those hurt children become adults who perpetuate the same cycle they wished to have never experienced.

On the darker side of parenting, many take umbrage with the erroneous idea that all women are instinctively good mothers. This false narrative is quite contrary to the many tales of adult survivors who were not fortunate to escape the grips of these ‘instinctively good mothers’ during their childhood.

Scars of Abuse

People are familiar with the horrors of child physical and sexual abuse. However, they are less cognizant of the emotional neglect, physical neglect, and psychological manipulation which have devastating impacts on young children. The dark-side mother does not have to inflict physical pain to destroy the innocence of a child. These are the types of abuse which can be difficult to explain, and they are not always taken seriously.

Think about this: A child who grows up in a seemingly normal household struggles to describe the damage of never feeling loved, hugged or shown any positive affection.

Think about this: The child who is constantly called names or hears deprecating statements. How about the child who is in constant fear of the person who is supposed to protect him/her?

Think about this: A child whose mother struggles with addiction and eventually becomes the parentified child i.e. responsible child-adult to the mother and younger siblings.

Some Signs of Concern

• Parent talks negatively of her child/children
• Parent constantly laments about regret having children
• Parent’s absence of emotional connection to the child
• Parent easily loses patience frequently with the child
• Parent who prioritizes unnecessary things/events/people over the child’s wellbeing
• Parent with a history of abuse
• Child who does not talk about the parent/home life
• Child who is withdrawn or bullies
• Child appears dirty or hungry all the time
• Child who appears sad or anxious most of the time
• Child is caught lying constantly
• Child with frequent incontinence (in the absence of a medical condition)
• Child who appears desperate for connection/affection/attention from anyone

Imperfectly True Mother

There are no perfect mothers. A mother is more than DNA and a title. A true mother makes sacrifices. She plays many roles to include teacher, counselor, disciplinarian, nurse (Happy Nurses Week), transportation officer, event planner and all-around exhausted superwoman.

A true mother utilizes instinct, clairvoyance, past experience, trial and error and is constantly learning. She makes mistakes as much as she gets it right. She comes to understand that her job as a mother is both rewarding and frustrating.

Sometimes, a true mother understands that she is unable to provide what is needed to raise a healthy child and steps aside so someone else can do the job.

Being a true mother is a daily choice.

Contacts

Child Protective Services

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline; 800-422-4453; childhelphotline.org

Child Welfare Information Gateway; childwelfare.gov