Why do men sprint away from emotions?

The Message of Suppression for Boys

My great nephew is nearly two years old and he cries. He cries when he gets hurt because he is an active child; he cries when he does not get what he wants; and he cries just because he is grouchy.

Every good parent and pediatric professional would encourage this young child’s healthy emotional expression. His tears are acceptable because he is still ‘a baby’ and those behaviors are expected. However, as he ages, he will begin to receive both subtle and direct messages that certain emotional expressions are discouraged.

“You are a big boy now so, stop crying”

“Hey little man, quit your crying”

These words from family and other adults start the behavior modification path for how men identify, dismiss or manage their emotions.

The Emotional Void Expectation of Men

Do you remember when ‘the strong silent type’ was the sought after male personality? Do you remember when anger and brooding were the only emotions of strong men?

Words like love, fear, disappointment, hurt, or sad were not encouraged in general conversations. The men who dared to express their emotions were labeled as gay which connotes the opposite of real men.

Men who express certain feelings are compared to women who are not discouraged from being ’emotional’. However, emotional translates into irrational, weakness, easily dismiss, unreliable, or unintelligent.

As more men are starting to speak out about their own distress, there is a growing movement to educate other men on how to become more expressive about their suppressed feelings. However, this enlightenment can be a monumental mountain to overcome even for those who are willing to embrace the change.

The concept that boys don’t cry has resulted in men’s struggle with emotional dysfunction.

Weakening of Men

As more emphasis is placed on acknowledging men’s emotions and struggles, there is a resistance and counter cry that men are being weakened and emasculated. The new men of today are not built tough like the men of old who weathered various tribulations and emerge intact.

On the contrary, as men fight back against the societal pressure of stoicism, it unmasks their mental health struggles which can includes covert depression. Many men do not exhibit the obvious signs of depression which means they do not recognize that they are depressed.

Some covert depression symptoms include self-medication with drugs or alcohol. Violent behaviors such as easily angered, easily frustration or irritated, and physical aggression. Sex as a means of stress relief which can be devoid of intimacy and connection. Acting out behaviors that have negative consequences ⁽¹⁾.

The truth is men commit suicide at a higher rate than women ⁽²⁾ and they are less likely to seek mental health treatment due to the stigma of appearing weak and therefore less manly. The other truth is men’s so-called weakness lies in their inability to recognize the turmoil within and therefore, unlikely to seek help but instead, engage in behaviors that are damaging to themselves and the people in their lives.

Challenge: Expand your emotional vocabulary

Awareness is the first step to healing.

• There are various emotion wheels available on the internet. Go ahead and check them out
• Review the range of emotions
• Identify which ones actually fit the way you are feeling or have felt
• Assess what thoughts or incidents trigger those feelings
• Do those thoughts evoke a behavior (withdrawal, avoidance, aggression)?
• Do you recognize symptoms of covert depression?
• Incorporate some of these words to express how you feel
• Is it time to seek help?

Sources

1. Ellis, J. (2022, March 9). Covert depression in men: when the symptoms aren’t so obvious. https://www.mindworkslubbock.com/post/covert-depression-in-men-when-the-symptoms-aren-t-so-obvious
2. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Suicide statics. (2023). https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/suicide-data-statistics.html

Additional Reading

1. Silvestri, A. (2020, November 20). The masculinity dilemma: covert depression and self-sabotage. https://adinasilvestri.com/the-masculinity-dilemma-covert-depression-and-self-sabotage/
2. Romanelli, A. (2022, March 11). Why so many men struggle with their emotions. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-other-side-relationships/202203/why-so-many-men-struggle-their-emotions