Manipulation: Everyone does it but some are better and more diabolical.

Have you seen a cute faced child with lips pouted, eyes wide and tears brimming? Maybe, you have seen a kid rolling around on the floor screaming in a hissy fit?

Kid 1 uses sweet face/pity and kid 2 uses the anger/embarrassment manipulation tactics.

Like kids, some adults are master manipulators. Let’s apply manipulation to the adults who directly affect your lives such as parents, partners, coworkers, bosses, or so-called friends.

Manipulators learn by behaviors and responses. They know whether their manipulation will work because it was used successfully in the past. They also know the personality type with whom the manipulation is best suited such as:

• People pleasers
• Low self-esteem/low confidence
• “Door mats”
• Subordinates
• Helpers
• The vulnerable

Your Loss Their Gain

Adults are more savvy in their use of manipulation. The tactic is to intentional gain something while decreasing your resistance to give/lose what is important to you.

• The manipulative boss wants every last ounce of your energy to work so s/he can receive the praise and rewards

• The manipulative parents or partners usually want to maintain control and ownership

• The manipulative so-called friend wants to get all your support without having to give anything back

Some Signs You Are Manipulated

• Your gut feels uneasy at the thought, mention or presence of certain people

• You feel drained from each encounter

• Your thoughts are constantly in a frenzy even long after the encounter

• If there is a physical threat, you are constantly in some state of fear

• You have fleeting thoughts of ‘how can I stop this?’ or ‘how can I get away from this?’

• You second guess yourself ‘Am I overreacting?’

• You rarely feel joy, peace, contentment or happy around these people

Exercise in Awareness

1. Can you think of someone who uses some form of repeated coercion to get what s/he wants?

2. Carefully assess the method (intimidation, guilt, physical threats, deprecation, anger, sweetness, charming, quid pro quo…)

3. What is it you wish you could do or say? vs how you actually respond

Challenge: Now What?

Awareness of a problem requires a plan of action in order to facilitate change.

• Do you plan to change the situation?

• If there is a threat of violence, do you have support and resources?

• What are your barriers to set boundaries or end the manipulative relationship?

• Seeking profession help if you notice that you are frequently in a manipulated situation

Sources (US)

National Domestic Violence Hotline : Call – 800-799-7233; Text: START to 88788

Manipulation: Signs, Causes, and Types of Manipulative Behavior by Hilary I. Lebow

Masters of Manipulation: How Kids Control You With Behavior by James Lehman, MSW